So I’m marking assignments at the moment, and these snippets made me chuckle:

My conscientiousness percentile rank was 55%, apparently meaning I’m “neither organized nor disorganised” (John, 2003) - possibly the vaguest, most idiotic interpretation I’ve ever seen…. I choose to interpret [this] as meaning that I can be both organised and disorganised depending on the situation and also whether I’ve taken my medication.

Gee whizz, tell it like it is!

Also, there was this little gem:

Possibly due to my low 21% score on conscientiousness, combined with an affliction with a cold/cough, I mistook which question was mine and did the one for [student 3].

Um, okay, so your lack of contentiousness resulted in you buggering up a group assignment on conscientiousness? I guess that works.

Go and buy a t-shirt or something. Then you too can be cool like me. Well, sort of.

Machete (2002). Verses by Brad Strut, Chopper Read, Bias B & Bob Balans.

You fuck with me, you’ll feel the force of my gunnery / Aussie skull-duggery / Blasting you to buggery / They wanted war but lost their balls / With their greasy brains splattered on walls an’ corridors / Doing drugs, they don’t know who to trust / If the stupid cunts don’t pay, I’ll leave them in pools of blood / Burn you with a blow-torch / Cut off you finger / Get a suck off your sister / While I swig my stub of Vic Bitter.

MP3 here. I don’t know where this first appeared. I have it on ObeseCity, which you can get at Obese Records.

Layla’s album rocks my nuts. You can get it at Obese. Get it now.

The lyric is from Knot to be Crossed (2005):

You stutter a-a-are you Layla? / Nah, I’m your fuckin’ mother / What da ya think? / Who else rips shit like this? Yeh, no other / You tucked in your seat-belts? ‘Cause I hit the melting point and then go on to overheat / Hell, you think I’m evil? / Nah, actually I’m sweet / I’m a lover, not a fighter / Until you sluts try to jump Daz’s meat / And then it’s over / Too many swear words you complain? / I don’t expect to get played on Nova / It doesn’t bother me / It’s no catastrophe / ‘Cause I prefer to be heard by the mass of listeners who wanna see the prospects of this Perthinian / An if you got shit to say, then fuck, voice your opinion.

MP3 here. [Sorry. Inhailing my bandwidth. Will return soon.]

**Update** Maverick (2005 MP3 @ Obese); Moulded (2001 MP3 @ mp3.com.au)

heheh .. me too ~!

From ‘Blue Italian Shit’ in Caricature by Daniel Clowes.

A segment of Cuddles from Happy Tree Friends suspended in a Mac Classic II, in the style of Damien Hirst:

make one: pdf

Chris Ofili is teh shiznit (pun intended):

Source is a mixture of Afrodizzzia (2nd Version; 1996) and The Holy Virgin Mary (1996).

make me: pdf

To quote John Waters (2003): “I love work that can horrify me in a new witty way. I have the opposite of contempt for art: I want to see art which causes contempt. If it’s good art, contempt turns into love.”

And so I bring you “World Record #4: Peristaltic Action” by Michelle Hines:

And the accompanying text: “In February 1995, working in conjunction with nutritionists at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, I adopted a super fiber-rich diet which allowed me to successfully produce a single extruded excrement the exact length of my colon: 26 feet. I documented the extrusion at the Cranbrook-Kingswood High School Bowling Alley, Bloomfield Hills, MI, which offered a length of floor suitable for the process and measuring the results. The cathartic diet was supplemented by a high intake of Metamucil fiber substance. The weeklong endurance prior to the event was ensured by the employment of a plug specifically designed to curtail any premature excretions.”

Source: Waters, J., & Hainley, B. (2003). Art: A sex book. New York: Thames & Hudson.

::Edit:: 23 January 2006 @ 8:15pm: World Record #3 is here.

::Edit:: 30 January 2006 @ 3:45pm: The metafilter crowd have been discussing World Record #4, and someone declared:

I’d give anything for an animated GIF of this. Well, almost anything… (posted by milnak )

It was a challenge that did not stay unanswered for long: POOP.gif (crafted by the skillful hands of fandango_matt).

Oh intarnets! I do heart you, but have been left forever damaged by the treasures nestled within your moist folds…

Continuing with the yBA theme, this one was inspired by Sarah Lucas:

There is a picture from the Fag Show @ Sadie Coles HQ here.

make: pdf

I made this as my SMSage alert a few months ago, but have been too afraid to use it (lest it go off somewhere inappropriate … which, all things considered, would be almost anywhere).

‘One in my Pink’ SMS alert (60k, 7sec @ 64kbps)

Please use it and relate back to me the details of your hilarious experiences, k thx?